a joke to start your day

[Nik]

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read:

'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million pounds in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

'Just to let you know, things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami and a 10,000 acre estate in the country. There is over twenty million pounds in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.!! Just send the bottle back.

Nik

[DavidT]

Well, it madw MY eyes water.

[darrensmits]

Hi!
This is really nice joke and I hope this joke will start my day nicely. It is too funny and I really like this joke. Here I am also posting one joke for you and I hope you will like it.

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Police officer.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying for years.”

[athelnstone]

In a train, ticket checker to a saint: Ticket please!
Saint: I don’t have.
TT: Where do you want to go?
Saint: Lord Ram’s birth place, Ayodhya!
TT: Come, lets go!
Saint: Where?
TT: Lord Krishna’a birth place, Jail.

[kop71]

you want that job here is how to fill the best application form


NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: yes

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: yes but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: . Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

[Husker]

I have decided to do a small bit to "go green" so instead of using spray deodorant I got the stick type. The directions said to remove cap and push up bottom... I've sure been having trouble walking ever since .

[Wayne.L]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,

'3 were on a beer can,

2 were on the phone".

Wayne

[Ever Green]

Ha Ha there all good.

If you can’t afford a doctor, go to an airport.
You’ll get a free X-ray, breast exam and if you mention Al-Qaeda, a colonoscopy as well!

[theanswersinthesoil]

Why did the toilet roll, roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!

[feme]

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[Matt_B]

I said to the Mrs 'what would you do if I won the lottery?'

She said 'I'd take half and leave you'

Well I said, I've just won a tenner, heres a fiver now good bye!